"NO" is Not
For Children:
3 Principles for Respectful Discipline
By Dawn Fry
The rise of violent crimes
being committed by children devastates both
families and communities alike. When a crime occurs, the number
one
question on
everyone's mind is "why": Why are children committing
violent acts
against their
families, friends and strangers? The answer to that question
makes
perfect
sense when you understand that current childcare practices violate
children
because they are based on authoritarian behaviors that are emotionally
and
physically abusive. Children are
rebelling against this unjust system
with the same
behaviors used against them - emotional and physical violence.
What are authoritarian
behaviors?
They are behaviors that
manipulate and control through pain and humiliation. They include
blaming,
shaming, preaching,
moralizing, accusing, ridiculing, belittling, evaluating,
labeling, threatening,
judging and punishing. These behaviors disrespect children's
rights and"
discourage" children, resulting in not only a loss of courage,
but also
a loss of
dignity and self-respect.
It is more evident every
day that our children are in crisis. Increased
delinquency, depression and even bulimia were linked
with parental verbal aggressiveness in a study
by Sociologist Murry A. Straus, with the Family
Research Lab
at the University of New Hampshire (along with dozens
of other studies).
More
than half of the 991 parents in Dr Straus' study screamed,
yelled or
shouted
in rage at their infants. Since children model the behaviors
they are
raised
with, is it any wonder they resort to violence as they
grow older?
Unfortunately, authoritarian
practices are deeply rooted in our
society.
For
example, more than half of the US states still allow
corporal punishment
in
the schools. In Webster's New World dictionary, corporal
punishment means "beating, with a
strap, stick, or whip, inflicted directly on the body." Corporal
punishment manipulates and controls children through
the use of fear -
fear of
pain and humiliation. (Is it so surprising that some
children hate
school?).
By changing our childcare
practices we can put an end to both child abuse
and
childhood violence. The best way to start is to eliminate
authoritarian behaviors and replace them with friendly
communication skills
that
establish
guidelines for responsible behaviors. The following
three principles teach
respectful discipline and encourage a child's healthy
emotional development.
1. Equality and Order
Authoritarian socialization requires unquestioning obedience
to authority rather than individual
freedom of judgment and action. In an authoritarian
society there is a dominant/submissive relationship that exists
between
adults and
children. The adults are "the boss" and children "must
obey" the rules
without
exception. There's no equality whatsoever. Even though children
are not
equal
with adults in knowledge and experience,
they are our social equals and are entitled to equal rights within
our
community. The principles of social equality include the right
to honor,
dignity,
health, safety, and social integration. In short, children do
have
rights, too.
Children rebel against authoritarian behaviors very early in
life.
Parents
recognize this resistance around the age of two, referring to
it as "the
terrible two's." Around this age children also develop temper
tantrums
and power
struggles. These behaviors usually indicate that adults are using
too
much force
and manipulation during discipline. Unfortunately, as the rebellion
continues,
some adults view it as a need for more control.
Children are, by nature, spontaneous and are in the process of
learning
to control themselves. They need discipline, meaning the development of
responsibilities, self-control and order kept, not aggressive behaviors
like blaming,
yelling, or hitting. Order is a necessary part of freedom and equality.
Rather than using aggressive acts against children we can model
self-control and
give them an orderly environment so they can learn the same. Order gives
children a sense of security, which will in turn help to reduce
or eliminate their outbursts and tantrums.
2. Respectful Information
Commands like the word "no" are harsh and build resistance
in children.
It is
easier for children to hear how to do something correctly rather
than to
hear
what they are doing wrong. More often than not, when given respectful
information, children comply with social guidelines rather than
resist
them.
Our language helps to mold a child's thoughts. "No" is
a negative word
and
implies wrongdoing. It is also used to deny, refuse, or disagree. "No" is
not
meant to be flexible or compromising.
You may have heard a popular
saying, "What
part of 'no' don't you understand?" This kind of language
molds
controlling
and negative thoughts, which can be damaging to children.
Every time you want to say no to a child, ask yourself what is
not okay
about
the behavior. Then replace the word "no" with the word "not," and
add a
phrase that describes what behavior you want stopped. This will
give the
child more
information about the behaviors you want them to change. Use
the four
categories below for guidelines on behavior that is not okay.
Safety
When a child's behavior is not safe, you need to take immediate
action tostop the behavior. At
this point, there is no negotiating. For example,
it is not
okay to:
· open the doors without an adult present;
· go outside without an adult;
· use a knife or scissors without an adult;
· climb or stand on furniture or counter tops;
· play on stairs or in the bathroom;
· play with water, without an adult;
· walk around while eating or drinking.
Health
When a child makes choices that are not healthy, then it is not
okay to
allow
the behavior. For example,
· Junk food is not okay because it builds weak bodies.
· Insufficient sleep is not okay because it invites illness and
accidents.
· Refusing to take medicine is not okay because it can make you
more
sick.
Respect for People's
Rights
When a child's behavior doesn't respect another person's rights
to honor,dignity, health, safety,
or social integration, then their turn is
finished,
meaning that the behavior needs to stop. Not respecting someone's
rights
is not
friendly. It is also not friendly to :
· scream indoors;
· help yourself when someone is having a turn;
· hit someone.
Proper Use of
Objects
When a child uses an object in a way other than what it is intended
to be used, then again, their
turn is finished. But instead of saying "no," you
can use
a "not" phrase. For example:
· Not for touching,
hitting, throwing, eating, etc. Say this when children
are using objects in a way they are not intended to be used. "A
shoe is
not for
hitting." "A truck is not for throwing." "A
crayon is not for eating."
· Not a toy. Use this phrase when children
are touching objects that are
not
designed to be played with, such as a TV or a stove. "A
TV is not a toy.""A
stove is not a game." You can follow this request with the
next phrase: " Please
do not help yourself."
· Not a help yourself. Rely on this phrase when children are reaching
for something you don't want them
to have. This phrase is especially useful
when the
object is something adults aren't to touch either. By saying, "We
can't
help
ourselves," the child knows that you won't be touching it
either. This
will
show them that you are using self-control also.
· Not okay. Use this phrase in front of an action the child is
currently
doing, such as climbing the sofa or drawing on the wall. "It's
not okay
to climb
on the sofa." "It's not okay to draw on the wall." You
could also use the "not
for" phrase, saying, "Sofas are not for climbing."
These verbal social guidelines
are influential, strong and effective. They
have the ability to teach children without using power or control
over
them.
3. Giving choices
When children resist doing something you ask, or they do something
other than
your instructions, rather than force your request on them, offer
choices
for
their behavior. Having some say about how they do things lowers
their
resistance. For example,
· Children often
resist help. If there is a concern for their safety while
walking down the stairs, then give them the choice of how
to walk down
the
stairs: "Would you like to hold the handrail or hold my
hand?" They don't
have the
choice to do it alone.
· Children don't have a choice about taking medicine when they
are ill,
but
they can have the choice of how they will take it. "Would
you like to
take it
from a spoon or from a dropper?" Or, "Would you like
to take it with
water or
with juice?"
· On a cold day children do not have the choice to go outside without
a
jacket. You can, though, give them the choice of how they will
get the
jacket on. "Would you like to put your jacket on by yourself,
or would you like
help?" Giving choices is important,
because making choices cultivates individuality
and self-reliance. Only while making choices can children exercise
their
human
faculties of perception, judgment, discriminative feeling, mental
activity
and even moral preference. When you offer choices, you are honoring
the
child's
needs and innocence, which ultimately helps them develop self-confidence
and
build their self-esteem.
Building Their Future Today
One of the most powerful desires of a child is to belong. When
you follow these three principles
of respectful discipline, you teach children preferred
manners and customs. In addition, they learn friendly communication
skills that
are sensitive to democratic rights. They also learn altruistic
forms of
behavior such as, helping, sharing and giving through modeled
interactions with
parents and other adults. These skills enable children to build
the
friendships
they desire and help them develop into respectful young adults.
With
these
principles you may someday read about your children in the news,
but it
will be for
their acts of kindness, not their acts of violence.
Dawn Fry is the founder and CEO of Helping Our Children Productions,
a
publishing company that provides educational CDs giving practical
help to
parents
and childcare providers resulting in happier, friendlier children.
Ms.
Fry has
been a licensed childcare provider and educator for twenty-two
years. She
has
more than 60,000 hours of professional experience working with
children.
For
more information, visit www.dawntalk.com.
