Helping Kids Cope with Dad's Dating
By Armin Brott

Dear Mr. Dad: I got divorced about six months ago and am finally feeling ready to start dating again. I mentioned this to my kids and they went nuts, telling me they want me to spend all my time with them and not go out with anyone. Nothing I do or say seems to make them feel any less hostile to the idea. What can I do?

A: It sounds to me like your children are afraid of being abandoned. The more secure your children feel in their relationship with you, the fewer problems they'll have with your getting involved with women other than their mother. But even in the most secure relationships, children can be less-than-completely welcoming of your new relationships. Still, as their father, you have a great influence over how they'll adapt to the changes they're going through. Here are a things that should help:

* Make sure they know you love them. Men tend to express their love by doing (and buying) things. And while that's fine in most cases, working four hours of overtime every day and spending the extra money on presents won’t work. Your kids need verbal and physical demonstrations of your love far more than financial ones.

* Don't start dating too soon. Whether you're divorced, never-married, or widowed, your children are grieving and they need time to adjust to their new situation. Starting a new social life right away doesn't give them that buffer zone and can make them even more anxious and resentful.

* Let them know you aren't trying to replace their mother. Whether their mother is alive or not, no one can take her place, either in your children's lives or their memories. They need to know that the reasons you're going out with other women have to do with you and your needs only.

* Encourage their input. If they have questions, answer them, but don't go into a lot of detail, especially if they want to know something particularly personal. If they like or dislike a particular woman you're seeing, let them tell you. But let them know that while their input is welcome, you'll be making the final decisions on your own.

* Don't ask permission. Although your social life may affect them in some way it's really none of their business. Asking them whether they mind if you go out or whether they like a particular date of yours gives them in erroneous impression that they have the power to veto or approve of your relationships.

* Be honest. If you're going out, even with someone you know they don't like, let them know. And be sure they know how long you'll be gone. If you're staying the night someplace else, say so. Ideally, though, you should do your dating on evenings when they children are not with you.

* Listen to them. Listen to why they say they don't like about your date. You don't have to agree, but kids are often a lot more perceptive than we are and they sometimes see things that don’t or that love has blinded us to.

* Don't introduce them to your dates too soon. Before making your introduction talk about the woman you're seeing, let them know how much you and she enjoy being with each other and let them know you'd like to have everyone meet.

* Don't tell them how to feel. There's absolutely nothing you can say that's going to make your kids love your girlfriend before they’re ready to. What they need is time. So leave them alone and let them establish their own develop their own relationship. And never, never, encourage them to call anyone "Mom" but their real mother.

* Don't make out in front of them. They're already feeling as though they have to compete with your girlfriends for your love and attention.

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Dear MrDad: I'm a single dad and am just now starting to date again. I'm worried about how this will impact my kids and I'd like to know whether there are any guidelines.

A: Whether you're a single dad or a single mom, starting a new relationship—with all the dating and extra showers and being on your best behavior—can be a traumatic experience. For that reason, you should be careful not to start dating too soon. Your friends and family are probably trying to fix you up, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with being by yourself or with people you have no romantic interest in. No matter how tough you think you are, you've been through a rough time and a break will do you good. Once you've made the decision that you're really ready to start dating, start slow: Parents Without Partners and a variety of community and church groups frequently organize picnics and other events for single parents. This is a great way to meet people who know exactly what you've been through. In addition, here are some important dating dos and don'ts:

Do: Keep your kids and your dates separate.

Try to do your dating when you don't have the kids or at least meet them someplace else besides your house. The idea here is to not introduce your kids and your dates unless it's clear that you're starting a long-term relationship. If you're going out with a lot of different people and you introduce them to every one, they'll get confused. If you absolutely can't avoid having your children meet one of your dates, introduce her only as a friend, someone you're just hanging out with.

Do: Have some variety.

The last thing you want to do right now is get into a long term relationship with the first woman you go out with. She may make you feel loved and needed—perhaps for the first time in a long time—but chances are you're nowhere near ready yet.

Do: Be up front with your dates.

If it turns out that the woman you're with doesn't like kids, she may be pretty pissed when she finds out your little secret. And if she does like kids she's going to wonder what kind of guy doesn't care for his children enough to even talk about them. Don't underestimate the importance of this question: a lot of women think that the way you relate to your children is the way you'll relate to them. So do everyone a favor and tell your dates you have kids. And talk about them—but not too much. Your dates want to know that you're interested in them too.

Don't: Talk about the other women in your life.

If you're widowed, your dates and prospective girlfriends have a right to know. But if you talk about your deceased wife constantly, they'll feel intimidated. And if you have an ex, talking about how wonderfully the two of you are getting along will make your date think you're headed for a reconciliation. On the other hand, don't spend the evening badmouthing her. A new girlfriend is naturally going to side with you against your ex but your relationship should be built on something more than a mutual dislike for someone else.

Since its debut, Armin Brott's New Father series has been making life easier--and a lot more fun--for fathers and mothers around the world. Overflowing with practical advice and month-by-month developmental descriptions (of fetus, baby and dad), the books in the New Father series also examine the roles of fathers and encourage men to continually take an active role in rearing their children. Visit Armin's website.