Parents can often
find themselves inadvertently creating power struggles
and reinforcing
their child's troublesome behavior (refer to Conflict
Cycle diagram). The problem starts when a child experiences
a
stressful event, like frustration or failure. Stress
activates a child's irrational beliefs that nothing good
ever happens
to them, or all adults are unfair. These negative thoughts
trigger your child's feelings. His feelings, and not
his rational forces, drive your child's inappropriate
behavior.
That negative behavior is what incites you. As a parent,
you pick up on your child's feelings. But where many
parents start to have trouble is when they mirror their
child's
behavior during a conflict. They find themselves yelling
back, threatening and so on. This negative reaction increases
your child's stress, escalating the conflict into a self-defeating
power struggle. And although your child may have lost
this battle, he wins the war by reinforcing his irrational
bel
iefs. Then, he has no motivation to change his beliefs
or inappropriate behaviors.
The first thing you, as a parent,
can do is to recognize some common irrational
beliefs children can have. Some examples include, "Everything must go
my way all the time," "I should never have to do anything I don't
want to do," and "I must be stupid if I make mistakes."
When your child has those irrational beliefs and their feelings are triggered,
they may resort to bad behavior. Your response to that behavior is critical
in de-escalating the conflict between you and your child. As a parent,
you could
be sending what's known as "you" messages that make the argument worse.
These include, "Can't you do anything right?" "You apologize immediately!" and "Don't
you dare use that language with me!"
Fortunately, experts in the conflict
management field say you can overcome the cycle of conflict.
Jennifer McEldowney, executive director of No Disposable
Kids, a national training program that encompasses parents,
school children and educational staff, says you can break
the cycle by changing those "you" comments to "I" comments.
" I comments are less likely to provoke additional aggression, are less
threatening to your child, and are a model of honest exchange between two people," McEldowney
says. "I messages are also helpful in interrupting a power struggle and
in releasing adult stress in a healthy way."
No Disposable Kids
has a number of additional strategies developed by its
parent organization, Starr Commonwealth, that you can use
for managing conflict with your child. Remember to stay
centered, appear calm and controlled and try, hard as it
may be, to put yourself in the psychological shoes of your
child. Also, be aware of the nonverbal messages you send
and be willing to accept responsibility for your contribution
to the conflict.
As the parent, you
make a choice to permit your child's irrational behavior,
tolerate it, stop it, or prevent it. The key, according
to McEldowney, is to create a structured and predicable
environment. "Come up with clearly stated rules, and
stick to them," she says. "Establish rituals
and routines and maintain a daily schedule as best you
can."
If you'd like more
information on No Disposable Kids, and its multi-faceted
training programs that help schools identify their strengths,
analyze their weaknesses and utilize practical prevention-oriented
tools for creating safe and productive school environments,
call (800) 315-8640 or visit the Web site at www.ndk.org. |
Being
aware of the developmental stress your child experiences
is vital in managing
the conflict cycle. Here are some of those stresses*:
1. Abandonment
We are hard-wired to assure the safe presence
of the "mother." When
denied that, the residual effect can remain throughout your child's life.
2. Inadequacy
A toddler wants to tie shoes or pour juice, but ends up not satisfying "mother." Child
may wonder, "Am I someone who can measure up to the expectations
others, or am I a failure, unable to do anything right?"
3. Guilt
It appears at the primary level when a child learns that they can not do what
others can. He/she is disappointed in himself. They may seek punishment so they
can relieve some of the guilt.
4. Insecurity and Conflict
In upper elementary, children realize that decisions made by adults can
be poor ones. This creates insecurity and conflict found at the junior
high
level. Child
may wonder, "Can I fit in with my peers, or am I isolated, different,
socially inept?"
5. Identity
Adolescents struggle with transitioning from childhood to adulthood.
They ask themselves, "Can I assimilate those things that I enjoy
and value, my beliefs and goals into the wholeness of living, or am I
confused: unstable,
directionless,
and lacking a vision of myself in the future?"
*Developed from the training workshops of No Disposable Kids, a powerful training
program that encompasses school children as well as educational staff and parents.
For more information on No Disposable Kids, call (800) 315-8640 or visit the
Web site at www.ndk.org.
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