Twenty Ways
to Keep Your Cool
By Sandy Fleming
It's been an outrageous
day and you've had it! That one child pushes
you just a little bit too far. Everything seems to be going wrong
at
once. You're not feeling your best. You had a rough night or
you think
you may be getting sick. You've had a rough time in a key relationship
in your life. These things just scratch the surface of the list
of
situations that can cause anyone's anger to boil over.
It happens to most of
us once in a while. It happens to some of us more often than
it should. We get so angry, frustrated or upset that we are
stretched to the limit. Everyone has THOSE days when life seems
to throw curves and the self-control stretches thin. This is
the kind of emotional scene that can lead to child abuse. Don't
take chances when your self-control is frazzled! Here are 20
quick-and-easy ways to back off, keep your cool, and maintain
your loving and nurturing self. When you feel the pressure
building up inside of you to lash out, stop, take a deep breath,
and try one or more of these ideas instead.
1. The old adage to "count to 10" is
a good one. It gives you time to
pause
and avoid rash actions. You can even keep counting if you're
still
feeling
out of control.
2. Remember that discipline
is a LOVING act that will HELP the child learn self-control.
When your child looks back on this
incident, will he or she see the love and the help?
3. Take a deep breath.
The very act of breathing deeply will relax your
muscles and drain away some of the stressful energy built up
in your
body.
Do it two, three, four or more times until you start to feel
more in
charge.
4. Remember that you are
the adult! What is behind this anger that you
feel?
Did the child really make you this angry or is there something
else in
the
background (like a bad day or feeling uncomfortable or relationship
problems
or...) that is pushing the feelings out of control?
5. Close your eyes. Shutting
out visual input can help you relax. While you
have your eyes closed, think about what the child is seeing and
hearing, and
what he or she is about to see and hear. Is this the memory that
you
want
the child to take into his adult life? Visualize instead the
positive
actions that you could take, such as calmly and coolly helping
the
child to learn the correct behavior.
6. Use your time-out system.
Separating from the child who has triggered
your anger will help you calm down and help you feel like you
have
taken
some action. Remember that the accepted guideline for using time-out
is one
minute for each year of the child's age.
7. Call someone you care
about. Let the voice on the other end of the
line
become your life preserver. Tell that person that you just wanted
to
have a
momentary distraction to help settle your nerves. Ask for advice,
if
you
want. Talk about the weather -- anything to take the edge off
of your
current situation.
8. Try putting yourself
in time-out! If you have another adult assistant, go
completely away for a minute or two. If not, sit in a chair where
you
can
still watch and keep everyone safe, but declare yourself off
limits.
Ignore
demands and requests for just a few minutes while you take some
deep
breaths
and relax.
9. If someone else can
take over for a few minutes, try going for a
walk.
The fresh air and exercise will help clear your head and relax
your
body.
10. Sometimes it can help
to exercise. Get the group going with some
spur-of-the moment calisthenics. Movement will help you to feel
more in
control, the activity will distract both you and the youngster
who is
aggravating you, and the change of pace will shift
everyone's focus onto more positive activities and thoughts.
11. Splash water on your
face. The sharp sensory input will help clear
your
mind and allow you to take charge of your emotions. When you
are in
control,
you will be more able to deal with the situation rationally and
in a
positive way.
12. Hug or punch a pillow.
Releasing strong emotions is very important
for
your mental health. This is an acceptable and safe way to do
just that.
13. Sing a song. Try something
loud and vigorous or something soft and
gentle. Making music can provide an emotional release that will
help
you
cope with strong feelings. Put your heart into it, and SING!
14. Turn on some music.
Even listening to music will ease your body's
tension level. Music can calm and soothe both you and the children.
15. Try putting your angry
feelings down on paper. Write down what you
want
to say or do, then be sure to destroy the paper.
16. Do an activity that
you really enjoy. You can even scrap the
schedule
and get the group started with that fun game or art project.
17. Write down as many
positive points about the target of your anger
as you
can. Save this list and look at it frequently. It will help you
see
that
person as a valuable and unique individual, instead of a provoking
annoyance.
18. Make a list of positive
and helpful words. Post it in a prominent
place. The human mind is a powerful tool, and simply making an
effort
to
change our internal dialogue will help change actions!
19. If you can get away
for a little while and leave someone else in
charge
of the children, take a hot bath. Taking care of yourself is
vital to
maintaining self-control. When you feel more at peace with the
world, you will be able to cope with the stresses of parenting
or
childcare.
20. Again, if you can
get away for a while, try taking a drive. Driving is
one situation where we feel totally in control. You can go where
you
want
and take your time getting there. The car is private and peaceful,
just the
thing to soothe a harried parent. Just be sure that you don't
transfer
your
angry feelings into any form of road rage!
These ideas aren't magical
cure-alls, of course, but they will help
most of us. At least one or two from the list should be workable
in
all situations. Try printing the list in bold print and posting
it
where you can see it to remind yourself of alternatives.
If extreme feelings are
a problem for you, or if you are concerned about the way you
or another adult interacts with children, there
are
resources available to help. Check with your physician, pediatrician,
local school district, childcare resource and referral agency,
or
clergy person for resources in your local area. You can also
contact
the National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse at:
Child Abuse-Target
PO Box 2866
Chicago, IL 60690
Let's all work to make
every child's childhood a safe and nurturing time of learning
instead of a nightmare that never goes away.
---------------
Sandy Fleming is an educator, author
and workshop facilitator. She resides in southern Michigan with
her husband and three daughters. Sandy leads workshops for daycare
providers and parents in the region, tutors students, volunteers
for Girl Scouts and her church, and teaches online classes for
adults and children. She loves to make new friends, so please
drop her an e-mail at kids@busyparentsonline.com
