Three Dozen
Eggs = 600 Square Feet and One Bare Behind
By Tenna Perry
My name is Catherine and
Momma said I could tell you the story about Bubba and the eggs.
Momma had laid Bubba down
for his nap and went back to her office to write, so I was
able to watch Blues Clues without any interruptions.
Well Blue went off, the Bear in the Big House came
on and in a little while Bubba woke up. He came in the living
room and tried to take my peanut butter sandwich Momma had
made me and got mad when I wouldn't let him have it.
He took off for the kitchen
and I don't know why Momma says he is too little to make his
own sandwich, but I swear that is what I thought he was going
to do. Besides, the Bear was going off and it was time to change
the channel to Scooby Doo.
Well, Bubba got in the
icebox and I didn't know he had the eggs until he tried bouncing
one off the side of Momma's china cabinet. Did you know eggs
straight out of the little yellow cartons don't bounce? I didn't,
but I told him Momma was gonna get mad if he tried to bounce
anymore. Isn't it just like a Bubba though? He didn't listen
to me!
I tell you, it was really
cool when he would throw from the kitchen and the egg would
kind of explode as it hit Momma's dinning room chairs. The
yellow stuff would fly in all directions but the clear stuff
would keep going till it came into the living room. One time,
the egg went through the rail things on the back of the chair
and actually hit the front door!
He did try the kitchen
cabinets but just didn't get the same splatter pattern as the
long-range throws. I have to admit it took all the eggs from
three yellow holder things that Momma brought home from the
store, but Bubba got the entire dining and living room floors,
the kitchen cabinets, all six of the dining room chairs, some
of the walls and the front door covered with slime.
We had so much fun! If
you want to really slide on a wood floor, try a few eggs. You
don't have to get a running start or anything. In fact, Momma
just came around the corner of the couch and slid all the way
to the TV!
On top of sliding, the
clear, slimy part of the egg squishes up between your toes
good, too. It is kind of nasty though, once it starts to dry.
Bubba had taken his diaper off and he had the yellow egg stuff
up the crack of his behind and it had run down his legs. Momma
really had a time getting the dried yellow stuff off him back
there.
Being five, I had better
sense than to sit in the stuff and try to slide. That's what
God made feet for! I must say I don't understand why Momma
got so mad about it all. She was bragging to Daddy when she
came home from the store that she had only paid forty-nine
cents for each of those yellow carton things. It's not like
Bubba had wasted a whole dollar or something like that. Besides,
they always have stacks of those carton things when we go to
the store. On top of that, she was standing there fussing at
us when she took two whole things of salt and covered the floors
with it. Everybody knows you aren't supposed to spill salt
and here she was throwing the stuff all over the house! If
she had listened to me, she would have let the dogs in first
and then cleaned up what was left. Spike cleaned the cabinets
just fine when I let him in.
Now she is on a tear telling
Daddy she is going to put a lock on the icebox like she did
the freezer. She did that after I gave the dogs the big weenie-looking
things that were sitting beside the ice cream bars. Mom kept
asking me, "You couldn't have given them the cheap sausage?
You had to give the GOOD stuff?" I think they deserve the good
stuff and they sure ate it quick. Squeaky was awful funny-looking,
trying to choke down that big piece of frozen stuff while Shamrock
was trying to get it away from him. But then Squeaky...oh yeah,
the eggs.
Well, as you can guess,
Momma came in and caught Bubba with egg up his behind and in
his hair, then she started fussing. It was so funny. Momma
was griping about what Bubba had done (I only went sliding,
I didn't throw the eggs) and she was holding him straight out
from her and his behind was glued shut from the eggs, his hair
was dried and sticking in all directions in pointy yellow spikes,
and his feet were dripping stuff down Momma's bare feet and
legs. She was slipping and sliding in the eggs and trying to
get to the bathroom without getting the egg all over her, but,
well, then she slipped in the hallway. Oh, I forgot to tell
you the eggs went as far as the hallway when they hit the china
cabinet instead of the chairs didn't I?
I got bored watching her
clean the floors, cabinets, doors and TV, so I took a nap.
At least I was sleeping pretty good until she went in and sat
in her chair where Bubba had left that one egg he didn't get
around to throwing.
Tenna Perry lives
happily in the country with her husband, three children,
five collies, one cat and a hedgehog with an attitude.
She writes on a variety of subjects but dedicates a great
deal of her writing time on fighting all forms of child
abuse. She is the founder/editor of the ezine Survivor
Haven, Abuse and Safety editor at Busy Parents Online and
contributing editor on child sexual abuse at Suite101.com.
